


Bull or Lion?

by Shrewd



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Anxiety, Complicated Relationships, Insecurity, Light Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-21 13:39:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14916389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shrewd/pseuds/Shrewd
Summary: Hi there,I got inspired and started to write this story after 2018 Monaco GP. This is obviously the product of my fantasy, some details are based on real life events but kind of mixed with imaginery scenarios.The text in italics are Max's thoughts...in a way.Sorry for any mistakes in advance.If you make it to the end and you still have the strength, then please feel free to leave feedback.





	1. Ignorance is bliss

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there,  
> I got inspired and started to write this story after 2018 Monaco GP. This is obviously the product of my fantasy, some details are based on real life events but kind of mixed with imaginery scenarios.
> 
> The text in italics are Max's thoughts...in a way.
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes in advance.
> 
> If you make it to the end and you still have the strength, then please feel free to leave feedback.

Max felt awful. Just simply destroyed.  
He had been standing in this swamp for what seemed like forever now. It even took him a tremendous effort to dredge up some good memories and cherished moments from the very back of his mind. He was sucked into this whirlpool that wouldn’t let him go and the more he tried to fight it the deeper it took him down in this wild spiral.  
Despite all his efforts, history stubbornly kept repeating itself from week to week.

Max never gave a rat’s ass about what people said or thought about him; mainly because he was raised that way; he was trained from a very early age to let it all roll off him like he was Teflon, and because he simply couldn’t afford it – _who has the time for that??_

But he couldn’t ignore the world around him anymore – the fact that now it wasn’t just a rumor from the dark corners of the internet – now _everyone_ around him was talking about unprocessed trauma, personal problems, last chances….and the fact that considerable amount of those knowing glances came from the team members and the pit crew certainly didn’t help the situation.  
The encouraging look on people’s faces around him turned into disappointed and eventually ignoring. Everyone seemed to have an opinion and it made him paranoid. Or not. Because let’s face it, dirty looks were pretty damn reasonable at this point.

Max was sure of one thing though: his skills. He would never doubt that. He _couldn’t_ doubt that. All he needed was a little time, _yes_ , but he wasn’t the leader in the race against time either...  
Putting an end to the nasty 2017 season gave him a big motivation for this year. Every day, every race is a new chance – sounded his mantra, but in his mind something else - _“last chance!”_ \- popped up from time to time, like an annoying neon commercial sign. 

Saturday was a madness. He thought it couldn’t get worse after Baku and _technically_ it didn’t, but he managed to screw up his own race with one movement of the steering wheel – and that one decision cost the work of hundreds...  
The anger and the talking-to couldn’t come soon enough. He never knew what the appropriate reaction and behaviour was in these situations, not that he hadn’t been familiar with them at this point in his life, but because it was the same terrible scenario over and over again.  
There was nothing he could do to fix it, so he just tried to play along. He was the scolded child, again.

Christian’s disappointment was punishment enough, but Max could feel the tension growing.  
“There’s something wrong and it can’t go on like this.” _Obviously_ , thought Max, but he was hoping the situation wouldn’t get to this point, and he prayed that one idea wouldn’t come to the team principal’s mind, _God no, no, no…Dan could give him advice. Perfect._  


From week to week Christian seemed more and more agitated, and every time he spoke to Max, his words were also accompanied by a frustrated frown. A thought started to creep into Max’s mind…everyone thinks there is something wrong… _with him_. They just try to skip that last part when being face to face with him. _Oh great, why don’t they just call the fucking ambulance or something right away? “Hello, Milton Keynes Hospital, mental ward? We have a situation here…”_  
For some reason he felt shamefully abandoned, though he knew he neither earned nor deserved any of their trust. 

Monaco didn’t hold a lot of surprises, only struggles; he had to work his heart out to end up stuck in the midfield. _Felt just like his life. But at least his overtakes saved the race from being a marathon tiptoeing…_  
Overall, Sunday – especially Daniel’s well-deserved win – certainly lifted the spirit of the team and also calmed things down a bit. For a moment, for an afternoon, it seemed like everything was back on track. _God, he couldn’t wait to get home and idle away his time, just do nothing…_ though that also meant a lot of thinking…or _figuring it out_ – as Christian put it.  
He made sure the press got what they wanted. _Would be awesome to get rid of them and pay again instead…oh well..._ He had to be a good boy now, though there was zero point in talking more about that flickering lightbulb in the darkness, that was his career at this point.

He congratulated to Dan by the pool, they shook hands.  
As he watched the people around him finally being able to let all the negative energy out and enjoy the fruits of their hard work, a tide of joy rushed through him and he felt incredibly lucky to be a part of this. Max didn’t particularly like these gatherings, but this one certainly was an unusual team meeting…After a while he started to feel way too uncomfortable with all these people around him, especially with the media keeping eagle eyes on every smirk, eyeroll and glance...  
He made sure he smiled a lot. His talent to make people believe he was okay when he felt like shit came in handy now. 

Dan seemed happy of course but his expression changed when Max had approached him. A flicker of regret crossed his face and for a minute he seemed…concerned? Or more likely, uncomfortable.  
Max decided not to make a big deal about it and only briefly made eye contact with him. _Ah, the ‘feeling sorry for you’ look._ And something else. _We need to talk._ He kind of hoped their conversations would stay this light, at least for a while. Until he is…ready. _For what exactly?_

It started to become way too crowded, so Max took off as soon as he could. Finally, the weekend was over.  
Shortly after his escape, Max heard a knock on the driver’s room door. He kind of expected it yet he winced at the sound. Apparently, Dan found an opportunity to talk about…whatever, as always.  
Max hummed to give Dan a signal that he can enter and after a second there he stood, as big as life, and now – dry.  
“Hey” – Max tried to sound as casual as possible.  
Daniel nodded and gave him a soft smile. He looked tired. “Nice moves, P9 from all the way back…”- he said. Sounded like he was truly impressed though Max couldn’t help but think he just wanted to _(hear himself talk)_ break the silence.  
“Yeah…well, I tried to do what I could...” – said Max.  
Awkward silence fell in the room.  
Dan took a deep breath – “I think we need to discuss…things.”  


A million thoughts rushed Max’s mind at once, and he tried desperately to impose order on the chaos. He wondered if this was Christian’s doing, to ask Dan to visit and _‘have the talk’_ with him. _With the child. This is ridiculous._  
_Would ’I don`t need your help’ be too rude?_  


„I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t feel well now.” - his voice came out much weaker than he intended and he was careful not to look at the older man. There was a long pause.  
Dan didn’t say anything, he wasn’t sure how to react to that. He didn’t take his eyes off Max though, as the younger man tried to appear busy packing his stuff that left in the room, following every movement of his as if that would help him in any way.  


Muffled voices and dull rumbles came from outside the room; sounded like everyone was ready to move on.  


Max licked his lips. „I just…all I want is to get home now. I think you should leave.” – he finally said in a flat tone.  
“Is that what you want?” – Dan asked gently.  


“…Yeah." Actually, he wanted to say a lot of things. Smart things, pearls of wisdom like: it’s ok, life gives – life takes. _Just seems to give you more than to others._  
Suddenly anger built up inside him and his heat of hate surprised him. In that moment he found everything about Dan repelling. His sunny personality, the nonstop joking…And the talking. _God, does he ever shut up?!_ And he was exhausting, spending time with him was like doing a day-long stairmill workout-routine. For a second, he wanted to take his rage out on Dan, but decided not to. He couldn’t let things go this far.  


Since Max didn’t give any indication that he wanted to continue the conversation, Dan finally gave up and with a loud sigh, he slowly turned around and closed the door behind him.

 _Oh shit._ Max felt embarrassed, things seemed to get out of control, out of his control. His cheeks turned red as he immediately felt disgusted by his unfair thoughts.  
_“You have a very good teacher right next to you."_ Christian’s words annoyingly echoed in his brain.  


If it was that easy.


	2. Deep Breath

Max woke up early the next day from a deep yet troubled sleep. He didn’t open his eyes first but squeezed them tightly and thankfully noted he couldn’t recall any detail of his turbulent dream from the night before.  
_After-race Monday_ – he smiled to himself. It felt better weeks ago in Spain, but right in that moment, lying in his own bed was enough for complete happiness and peace. It was a wonderful feeling of lightness, until his pressing worries slowly started flowing into his mind…all the baggage he was carrying with him – his performance, the stupid questions he will have to answer in the next weeks, his visit to the factory on Thursday...

He didn’t let his thoughts stray further..he was fully awake now. 

He blinked a few times to let his eyes get used to the light. First thing every morning, he checked his phone. There was a dozen of messages that couldn’t be avoided for long, mostly from friends, and half of them probably from his dad.  
It was awfully quiet. He was alone for the first time since last week. Except from driving, Max usually didn’t like to be by himself – not even for a day – and he never really had the chance with all the network of people around him, but he kind of enjoyed the solitude now. Suddenly his family popped into his mind…he briefly talked to his mom on the phone yesterday. His dad was not around, which was unusual. He seemingly took the team’s advice to help his son by giving him some space, though Max doubted it would make a difference at all.

Despite all his efforts, his thoughts eventually wandered to Daniel...Lately his strategy to survive the days between races involved tuning out distractions and irrelevant thoughts _(and he had mastered the craft...most times)_ but somehow one thing kept intruding in his thoughts, that very person – Daniel. _The snake has bitten its tail and won't let go…or whatever that fucking saying was._

Since the sudden beginning of his career at Red Bull, he had pursued to become friends with Dan. It was easier that way.. _but no denying, there were many reasons to look up to h…well, more like to…enjoy his company._ Dan’s fun-loving nature had made it simple for anyone to get along with him, and Max always found himself loosen up quickly in his presence. He radiated charm that was impossible to ignore so Max usually just hung on to his team mate’s charisma and let it sweep him away.  
Well, that was one side of the story. But most times it was nearly impossible for Max to read Daniel...to see through his social mask – there was no way to tell what was truly going on inside the Australian's mind. But despite all that, no matter how hard he tried, Max couldn’t name one thing he truly disliked in him…  
_There’s no chink in the armor._

He clearly has what it takes. Dan showed talent from the start of his career, but since he had been at Red Bull his star was rising and apparently, he set the bar higher and higher. _Not just for himself._  
Seeing Dan win made Max feel proud for the team but at the same time his victories put a tremendous amount of pressure on him. Dan was driven; and he also had driven to a place Max couldn’t even get near to…Since they had become team mates, Max felt that all of his efforts were limited to try to keep his head above water while watching Daniel casually cruising through this mess called ‘life’. 

Max could feel the massive hate from all around int the past weeks…months... _Fair, no doubt._ But it still fucking hurt. He knew Christian had his back – he made that very clear even in his press statements and that caused Max to feel deep gratitude for him. _Even it was only hanging by a thread._  
The next few days flew by fast with little nothings and the knot in his stomach got tighter when he finally entered the base.  
Max knew that the conversation with Christian was going to happen sooner or later, he could only hope they rip off the bend-aid quick and relatively pain free, so he rushed straight to the second floor of the large glass building and headed to the team principal’s. Christian came up to him quickly when he saw Max standing awkwardly at door of the lobby and ushered him into his spacious office.  


“How are you holding up?” – he asked with slight worry in his voice. He took a seat at the big white conference table and motioned Max to a chair opposite.  
Max took note of his wording; the team boss probably tried to assess the effects of last weeks public hate campaign on him.  
“We have a lot going on with this engine issue but I felt it is important that we talk.”  
“Yeah, sure…” – Max said as he dropped into his seat.  
“Max. I know you’re struggling. And I already gave you my advice. There IS someone you can turn to.”  
_This shit again._ Max already felt cornered.  


Christian continued. “I know…and I’m sure you do too…that being on this level of motorsport, it can be difficult for drivers – especially at such a young age – to learn how to develop strategies to…expand tolerance of difficult emotions. And there are ways to get support around issues like this…” – he paused. “Have you considered…counselling?...with a specialist?”  
Max blinked rapidly with amusement that quickly turned into genuine shock.  
“Sport counselling can help to prepare mentally for…the challenges and help with strengthen self-identity…so one’s sport performance could improve…“ – he continued.  
Max frowned. It surely sounded like something his dad would find useless…and probably enrage him.  
He dropped his gaze to quickly check his phone. There was a message from Daniel. That can wait.  


The older man gave him a questioning look and Max realized he hadn’t said anything in a while.  
“Well…I was on podium in Spain” – he blurted out. _DEEP BREATH._ “I got this, everything is fine” – he said with a forced smile. “I just... I need to find the reset button. Stay away from risky situations and bear in mind what we have already discussed before. “– words fall from his mouth like he was reading them from a paper.  
Christian gave him a blank stare and for a moment Max wasn’t sure if he heard him at all.  
“Okay” – he said finally. “I’m glad you know...what to do. Just keep in mind you/we race for each other…and you are not alone with this.” It started to feel like they were just going around in circles again, so Max squirmed anxiously in his seat, hoping that Christian would take the hint. It seemed to work because a few minutes later he sent Max on his way. 

He had some work to do anyway; engineering meetings/preps, a few media commitments and that pretty much took care of the rest of his day.  
Of course Daniel was already trying to pave the way for himself in Canada and was busy spouting off about the next race in the press as “one of his favourite GPs”. _Wow, no one had heard that enough times before._ His earlier conversation with Christian popped into his mind as he stepped outside the building and left the base behind him. _R-E-S-P-E-C-T. But why was it so difficult?_  
He took his phone out of his pocket and read the message. “In MK too. We could meet up later”.  
Max typed quickly “Sorry my day is full, can’t make it”.  
“OK” - came the short reply after a few minutes. _Well..better than just a “K”…_ He quickly shrugged off his guilt and went through his schedule for the next days.  


He still had the whole weekend before the tests and he wanted to make sure nothing would distract him. Suddenly he realised he totally forgot to call his dad... _Whatever... but other than that, no distraction!_ That would be slightly easier back at home and could focus on his training…he couldn’t escape that even if he wanted to. _Thank God for you, Jake. That guy is every hope in this world._ Forget the talking, all he needed was the gym, Jake and some blasting music.  


Putting on the race suit again just couldn’t come soon enough.


	3. Bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos guys!
> 
> I really don't know where I am going with this...

One thing Max hated more than early flights were long flights, so his plan was to sleep through most of this one too as he usually did. He tried to limit all human interactions to the minimum and was desperate to pretend that his relatively comfortable seat was actually a double size king bed, but he was just miserably tossing and turning. He looked to his left.

Daniel blinked slowly, trying to keep his eyes open under his heavy eyelids as he took his seat on the other side of the plane, next to Max. He was cheerful – of course – despite the hour of the morning, his general fatigue and the painfully long flight ahead of them. _Even a nuclear attack probably couldn’t ruin it for him._  
Dan met his glance and it only encouraged him. With a wide grin on his face, he cracked a joke (loud enough to be heard) about Max. Which wasn’t far from the truth. He did look like an owl with the huge dark circles under his eyes.  
His head was already starting to get fuzzy, and as he thought about the weekend ahead of him, all he could see _clearly_ was a good and proper migraine. 

He decided not to give Dan the satisfaction and didn’t react to his comment or to his presence in any way, just crossed his arms and turned towards the window as much as he could to finally give himself to a deep slumber.

It was quiet for a while. Max heard the sound of someone moving and when he chanced a peek through his narrowed eyes he saw Dan sitting in the seat opposite, watching him.  
“What’s up Max? Is everything ok, mate?” – Dan asked casually, almost in a cheerful tone.  
“Yeah, sure” – Max said in a raspy voice.  
“Important weekend, huh?”  
Max wasn’t sure if the question was intended as another joke or mocking, or Ricciardo was indeed anxious about his chances for the weekend. _And wanted to chat about it? Or were his thoughts already turning to the next steps…and his future?_  
Daniel was a master of covering his insecurities and worries and most times he’d made a joke out of it. It probably took him a lot of energy to have his shit together, which was something Max entirely lacked in his life at this point.

”Not more important than all the others…I guess.”  
“That’s weird” – Daniel said, bemused.  
“What?”  
“Us, talking. You’ve been trying really hard to avoid me lately.”- he sounded somewhat offended.  
“I have not...” - Max started, but he already felt way too exhausted to explain himself, so he closed his mouth eventually without saying anything else.

“Things are rarely as bad as you think they’re going to be” – said Dan, his big brown eyes looking expectantly at Max.  
_God, why does he have to be so nice?_ He hated how much he hated that Daniel couldn’t hate anything. _Uh._

“Yeah, well I could fill the entire motorhome with all the advices, don’t need more.” It probably came out a little harsher than he intended and Max wasn’t sure why, but guilt immediately hit him. Dan was a real touch-me-not. Truth was, Dan’s feelings were fucking easy to hurt, and once he hurt he hurt badly.

Suddenly he got suspicious. “Have you talked to Christian?” – Max asked. _That would be the only reason for all this bullshit._  
“Yeah, of course…." – said Dan, a bit perplexed. “He’s been pretty excited actually.” He gave Max a wide grin. “But I told you I visited the base...”  
He probably didn’t get the sentiment behind Max’s question because half minute later he was already blabbering about the rumors of his possible grid penalty and something about the MGU-K…

Max had lost him halfway.

He managed to get some rest and bammm! It was Thursday, that part of the weekend he was already sick of – press duties. _Here we go, here we go, here we go…_ He had Daniel by his side for the meet and greets and some of the promo events, which was fun, as always. Facing the press was definitely not. 

Disaster struck in Thursday’s press conference.  
Those fuckers were gathering around like a pack of hyenas, ready to eat him alive. _Well, they’ll sure meet the lion later…_ Before Max caught himself, he already felt his anger crashing down on him like a huge wave. Suddenly he felt an uncontrollable urge to tell each and every person in the room to...go somewhere special. It was already extremely tense in the room, except on his right where Valtteri was sitting cold and still as usual, radiating calm.  
He was the first to left the press room and he felt all eyes turning on him as he did. Max expected disapproving head shakes and sneers, but when he looked around quickly he caught the reassuring glances of team members and that surprised him. 

Despite of that, Max was still shaking with rage when he finally managed to get back to his hotel room and closed the door behind him. He frantically searched for his phone and called that person who might actually had something smart to say…the shield of his armor.  
“Are you ok?” – Victoria asked immediately.  
“Those shitty ass…fucking…stupid…scribblers!”  
He couldn’t help but feel his rage spreading all over him, filling each cells in his body like poison and this time, he didn’t even try to fight it. His hands were trembling and he was starting to get a headache again.  
"Jesus, can’t they just leave me alone??!!” – he yelled. _Poor Victoria._  
Max totally lost control and poured out all his bitterness screaming into the phone. “They are like parasites! Praying on me…When will they get bored with it?! – he said out of breath. “Cause I am...” Yep, he definitely felt the headache building behind his eyes.

“You are just a real hothead.” – she replied.  
Her steady calmness and self-control filled Max with astonishment but at the same time, with pure admiration, and in that moment he was grateful for it beyond expression. In contrast, he was complete mess; his face all red, fresh tears glimmering in his eyes _that made no sense anyway_ , and he squeezed his phone so tightly it caused the device to make a cracking sound.  
“And you’re not especially bright...” – Max smirked at her comment. “You should dodge their provocations, but you should know this by now…”. – she said in a calm voice. Max didn’t say anything.  
“Oh, come on! You know why you’re in that seat, everyone does…and those who hadn’t put it together yet, screw them!” – she continued in her light tone. “It’s just...there is a fine line between being a hero and being a ...pariah.  
_Sounded so simple._  
“But…what is there for me now?” – he asked quietly.  
“Wha…”

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. For a moment he played with the idea of not answering, but the sound firmly repeated a few seconds later.  
He still heard Vic saying something about “giving time”, “keep his head up” and even a “don’t hurt anyone” that sounded more like a joke than a serious concern. _Did it?_  
Max quickly told his sister he would call her back and hung up. 

He opened the door and saw Jake standing in front of him with the usual phlegmatic expression on his face. “I just wanted to make sure you are ok.” – he said.  
“I AM ok… _God, why can’t people be more creative with their questions?_  
“Yeah, I could hear through the door…” – he said with the same tone but a half smile crossing his lips. “Also, I’m here for your warm up..”  
Max nodded as he turned around and let Jake follow him into the room. His willingness probably surprised his trainer but he didn’t make a joke or a sarcastic comment. Never. _That was actually great about Jake._

He sure needed the extra warm up during the weekend because his limbs were heavy like if someone had tied large stones to them.  
_Race day._ He washed his face and felt the cold water cool him down and run between his fingers, down his chni, let it wake him up before someone from his staff would storm in his room to do the same favour. He looked up, his eyes meeting his own reflection. A face deeply lined and pale were staring back at him.  
Mirror Max tried his hardest to put some heart in him as he stood there for a while. _FOCUS_ That was the last line of defense he had. _That, and his headbutt skills._ He packed all his stuff he needed for the day and headed off to get some breakfast.

He arrived at the track a little earlier than usual with Jake on his side. The high interest of the press didn’t drop, but fortunately he no longer had the time to deal with them. Christian gave a moving speech during the pre-race team briefing that sounded more like a general giving his men courage before the final battle, but it seemed pretty damn impressive. _You don’t have to tell the lion twice._

“You didn’t say fucking.”  
The voice caused Max to jump in surprise while he was climbing the metal stairs of the motorhome.  
Dan was walking right by him.  
“Hmm? – honest surprise crossed Max’s face.  
“It was almost perfect, but you didn’t drop the f-bomb in your little speech on Thursday...you’re slipping, Max” - he broke out in an enormous delighted grin.  
“Oh…that.” - Max rolled his eyes after he finally put it together.  
Dan wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave the right one a little squeeze. “We know all it takes is to fly the red cape in front of you…“ – he teased.  
His smile was contagious and Max couldn’t help but grinning like an idiot.  
Dan stopped laughing and turned semi-serious for a moment. “Great to see you’re back, mate.” 

Max wasn’t even aware of how tightly he had been clenching his teeth until he got out of the car.  
From there, he went on autopilot; everything blurred into one continuous motion from podium to packing with his loud heartbeat thundering in his ears even hours after the end of the race. _He did it._ It was nice to see his boys happy. He felt a kind of weary satisfaction and contentment when he watched them celebrating and knew it was finally because of something he did…he helped them to achieve this and maybe regained their trust with some damage control. 

Not long after Max had finally done all his scheduled duties, he excused himself and went straight to his room.  
He let out a loud sigh and slumped down on the small bed holding held his helmet, turning it around and around in his hands. This weekend was so intense, now he could barely recall the beginning of it...felt like ages ago. Relief flooded through him – relief for his soul, his mind, his muscles…But all of that was shortly lost in something else…he started to feel his gut tied up in a knot of anxiety and shame.

He had never felt so alone.


	4. Be a good person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this part ended up being a little longer, mainly because I was so damn lazy to write anything for weeks and when I finally started it was non-stop and I kept updating it, bla-bla..  
> Now here it is.

_Be a good person._  
Max was lying on a sunbed, busy taking in all the rays of the sun, his thoughts circling lazily overhead like predacious vultures.  
_Be a good person._  
Such a simple message.

Dan was a hero for many. Max rolled the thought around for a moment, searching for the right metaphor. For him at this point, Dan was more like that splinter under the skin you forget about until the sharp pain suddenly hits you.

Max wondered what had made him so dramatic and why he took everything so personally lately... 

He shook his head lightly trying to get rid of the heavy thoughts, floating up from the back of his mind again and again. He needed a clear head now, more than anything.  
It was nice to catch a break with his family around, finally able to deal with other things and just be a simple human being even it was only for a couple of days. 

He was thankful that his mom was around. She made every problem seem like it was just a simple difficulty, easy to fix. _Except when she scolded him for the clothes thrown down randomly and for being - allegedly - messy... _But yeah, apart from that, nobody else understood him the way she did.__  
_It’s all in your head._ That was what she said, and maybe she was right. Maybe he just needed to put everything in a different light.  
“Stop it. I can see your wheels turning, constantly, honey....just let it go. All the things you can’t change.”

He lifted his had lazily and looked around. The azure sea all around, stretched away as far as the eye could see until it faded into the horizon. There was something about that silky blueness that filled him with peace. Helped to straighten up the mess inside his head. Suddenly he felt the urge to catch a few waves, ride the sea and feel the coolness of the breeze on his skin… _While Dan was probably hiking and climbing rocks somewhere…_

_Sea and mountains. Water and earth. Such different elements._

Max reached for his phone but it wasn’t with him. It was useless anyway. _“You’ve been avoiding me”_ , it echoed in his mind.  
He started to type a message countless times in the past days, but he couldn’t bring himself to hit ‘send’ and always ended up deleting it, just so he could type it again the next day.

\--------------------------

“Sooo, this Paul Ricard guy...who the hell is he?” – Max asked as they were walking on the track with his engineers, following the colourful stripes of the asphalt.  
“Was” – Gianpiero said and shoot a reproachful glance at Max.  
“Is that the guy who made absinth?” – one of the engineers asked quickly, that caused all of them to laugh out loud.

“In fact, it is.” – said Gianpiero a little louder, he seemingly didn’t find the group’s lack of knowledge amusing.  
“Wow, these Frenchmen…they sure know how to enjoy life.”  
“I hope they won’t give us that as an aperitif or something, before the race” – Max said, half serious but he caught the engineer’s eyeroll and it made him burst into laughter.

The track was sure fun to drive on, even sober.  
His team mate was going with different downforce set-ups that eventually didn’t work out for him, but it did pretty fine for Max.  
He knew, _he could feel_ Dan was frustrated. But quali wasn’t the only reason for that. Lately, the entire team have been walking on eggshells 24/7.

With Daniel’s awaiting contract conclusion and his 'make or break”' career decision, thick tension crept into the atmosphere. The whole situation caused Dan to become kind of reserved, seek to separate himself practically from everyone at the team, and Max didn’t know what was the right reaction in this situation. _Should he ask? Should he stay out of the way?_  
_This is what it must feel like when your older brother is moving out, leaving you behind with the parents.._ Of course he didn’t know what was that like for real, _but Dan probably had some experience on that since he has brothers and stuff...right??_

He realized how little he knows about him, actually...Except from the basic facts. But at least he tried.

So much time spent together, so many experiences they shared together...And all this could end now.  
_But did it matter?_ Daniel was strange and distant, just like the place he was from. He was not a friend and he’d never been one.  
Max wasn’t even sure if Dan liked him at all as a person, or it was just his easy-going nature that made him to be nice with Max _just like he was with anyone else._  
He swallowed hard at the thought and something of a burning bitterness ran down his throat.

His podium was only a small consolation prize.  
_Ok, it was a big consolation prize (though it must have been a knife to the chest for Daniel)_ and his heart swelled with warmth when he was face to face with Christian after the race.  
The team principal looked like a proud dad, only the dark circles under his eyes revealed all his troubles;  
one for the Honda deal, and one for his driver, who – exceptionally – this time was not Max.  
“So the bull has shown his lion claws” – he joked. Max liked the analogy and gave him a wide smile.  
In the past weeks, he and Helmut were busy helping him how to handle all the pressure he had put on himself. He had a few conversation with Christian since their weird exchange after Monaco and he found comfort in knowing they stand behind him, especially Christian, trusting and forgiving. He had never even realized before how much this meant to him.

The concept of three race weekends in a row certainly put its toll on the team. Late night working and increased coffee consumption were a thing now.  
It didn't have much effect on drivers’ schedule though, and Max figured it also meant he got to spend more time together with Dan. He welcomed the thought with a warm heart, especially since they hadn’t been in touch much in the past weeks.  
And the other reason was the message he got from his dad that he would be coming on Thursday. _Great._ Not that Max wasn’t thankful for his support and attention…but...it kind of started to feel more like a burden.  
Something that was still under his control, yet he was trying to sidestep the confrontation with him. Frankly, he was pussy-footing around it like a pile of dirty clothes in the corner of his room he was desperate to ignore. But it wasn’t because of fear. _No it’s not..._

\----------------------------

He ended up spending most of the week with his team mate, thanks to the promo events. Dan was still all smiles, and for a few hours Max felt like everything was back on track. And normal.

After he was done with the press duties on Thursday, he called back his dad who had already arrived...with company.  
He insisted they have dinner together, something Max would have gladly skipped if he had the chance...But turned out his manager would join them which meant there was definitely no way out for him.  


Raymond’s lips twitched in a smile when he saw Max walking towards him with Jos on his side. He quickly hugged him and congratulated on the victories. Max felt like it was forever since he had been around though he only missed the Canadian GP.  
They sat down to a table inside the wooden Holzhaus. In the late twilight, the dark gray contours of the surrounding mountains were still visible.  
It was quite chilly, and for a second the thought of how much more fun it would have been to stay in his room with a blanket and watch tonight’s cup game ran through Max’s mind.

It was more of a polite talk with Raymond, as usual (and his dad did most of the talking), but the conversation soon turned on Daniel. _Of course._  
“So no one knows anything yet? How long is this will be going on? Ahhh, trust me, he just needs the attention and press coverage, now that you gave him a hard time on the track the past few races.” – Raymond said with a little smirk in the corner of his mouth, his eyes scanning Max, and after a short pause he continued.  
“I heard you said nice things about him today…that you get the best out of each other, and stuff like that...” – he said, his words tentative.  
“Yes, I did…because we do.” Somehow Max felt caught.  
He couldn’t help but notice that the two men exchanged glances. Raymond took a deep breath.  
“You don’t understand Max. This is your scene, and you worked incredibly hard to achieve all this.“ – he said slowly.  
Max frowned at his plate. “I know, I always work hard…and?”  
“I know that, but you ca…” – Ray started but Jos cut him off.

“Do you think he gives a shit?” – his dad snapped. “Do you think if that guy walked away from Red Bull, he would care to look back? And would be sentimental about it?” He snorted in annoyance.  
Raymond made a subtle gesture to Jos that he got this, and turned to Max again.  
“This is the time for you to step up and conquer, not to make friends. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

Max dropped his gaze, chewing his lower lip harder and harder, but he didn’t say anything. He _couldn’t_ say anything. He knew they had a point and he honestly wished he could think about it the same way they did.  
“This season has already given you a taste of how hard you must pay for every little mistake, and you have to ignore all little nonsenses like this.” – Raymond continued. He seemed content that he finally found something he can rant about and now he would never let go of it.

“This is changes a lot for me too…I mean, team mates are a big part of each other’s lives.” – he tried to fight back weakly.  
“You don’t have a life, you have a schedule, Max” – his dad said in a calm but firm voice.

Max put down his fork and with his right arm he started to rub the back of his neck. Suddenly, he lost his appetite.  
The older men were already deep into a conversation about one of the sponsors. Max took a sip from his drink then made a lame excuse about being tired (which was not a complete lie) and left them at the table. He was relieved they didn’t ask anything else and he quickened his pace to leave the catering area as fast he could.  
Though he wasn’t sure why, and what he was running away from.

\---------------------------

This wasn’t the ideal track for the team and they prepared for the weekend without hope for any chance. But something was different. Change was in the air. _3 – 2 - …1 should be the next…_

He was walking from the Holzhaus after he finished his lunch before the qualifying, when he felt someone gently grabbed his arm and when he turned around, he met Pierre’s usual bright-eyed sunny expression, smiling at him.

“What’s up bro? Haven’t seen you much..” - he said cheerfully.  
“Because you spend most of your time in the gravel” – Max shot him an evil grin.  
“Haha, ouch…Touché, but ouch” – Pierre took the joke with his usual gracious manner like it was impossible to throw him off with insults. It was part of his charm.  
“I feel you…” – Max said his tone softening. “Just trying to finish a weekend with the car, you know, not falling apart.”  
“Mhmm. And how is the…environment?” – Pierre asked.  
“What do you mean?”  
“You know, now that there are rumours...” – Pierre said tentatively.  
Max gave him a questioning look.  
“About Daniel.”

Max shrugged his shoulders and pursed his lips. _What the hell did he know? He was non-stop confused and it gave him a headache instantly._ “I'm not concerned. I’m pretty sure he’s gonna stay with us.” – he said, tried to sound casual.

“Can I ask you something?” – Pierre hesitated.  
“Sure, shoot.”  
“What if he is not?” – the Frenchman asked. Max felt the question was another needle in his flesh.

He didn’t know. He never let himself consider the possibility that it might turn out in a very different way than he expected. With Daniel out of the picture everything could change...even for good. _No real rivals around._ But Dan was probably thinking the same thing. They made a good combo, but they were also the biggest competitors, who happened to find each other the only challenge in the field. 

That chemistry was rare and it existed for a reason. But what if things changed for bad? And bad for who?...  
Max drifted away, into his own thoughts.

“Aaaw, you don’t want me?” – Pierre spoke suddenly, teasing him with a wide smile.  
“Wait…what??”  
“Well, you know I will end up in one of those seats…sometime…it’s not really a secret.” – the Frenchman said, now seriously. “Come on, we talked about this before, remember? You and me?” He paused. “You’d still be the ‘pretty boy’, don’t worry..” – Pierre chuckled but his expression showed concern when the Dutch didn’t respond. “Are you okay Max?...”

Pierre was kind. Way too nice for this world.

 _Change is tough._ “Yeah…of course. I’m sorry, I just need full focus now.” – Max told him, trying to back out.  
“Hey, if you end up there on Sunday, I’m expecting your invitation to the after party. VIP.” – Pierre winked at him.  
Max gave him a half smile. “Ah, you’re just a...P”

Pierre just laughed, waving him off and with that, he headed to the direction of his garage. 

\--------------------------

 _1st. He did it._  
Finally, he could stand up on the top of the podium. Felt like a ton of weight had been lifted off his chest.

It probably was not how Dan imagined his special day would turn out, he sure enjoyed his birthday parade way more than the race. Especially with the team doing its best, maybe even overcompensate…but every opportunity was another chance for them in this situation. _Christian was trying really hard._

He was sure that his victory was another turn of that knife in Dan’s chest.

But all eyes were on him now.  
And he enjoyed every minute of it, savouring the happiness that was flooding through him.

\--------------------------------

Max’s head was already dizzy. The ‘little’ gathering the team had going on was a truly cathartic experience. He had a weak head and certainly was not one for drinking but the guys took good care of him…with a drink…or two, or a few. 

The room vibrated happiness, every soul in there was having a great time. It was the happiest they had been in weeks. When he saw Pierre, he nodded and gave him a smile. _Hah, VIPierre._

Only one person was absent. After a quick handshake and short celebration with the team, Dan vanished. It was his day too, and he was nowhere around. 

Max suddenly felt sick to the stomach. It probably had much to do with the alcohol but it was mostly the anxiety growing inside him. It was a pressing sense of urgency.  
He desperately wanted to do something, to break this deadlock, to say the right things but he always end ed up speechless and now he massively hated himself for that. He wanted to make Dan smile…  
Max searched for his phone. He heard the little voice in the back of his head cried out against the idea but he ignored it.

He typed happy birthday (though he said it before, but it was with all the people around) and something about being sorry and whishing he was there.  
He hit send before he could stop himself. It took him some time to realize he actually did it. Just when panic started to sweep over him, he got a reply. He could barely bring himself to look at the screen.

“Are you drunk? :)”  
Max blinked a few and after a moment he realized he was smiling to himself. He wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Oh well, he probably had a few typos, yes.  


He ignored the comment and wrote what was on his mind. _Which was clearly a bad decision._  
_“Why would you leave? You have everything you want here..”_  


“Yeah you would know…”

 _Ouch._ Max wasn’t in the state to make sound judgements, but something _(Dan’s bitterness)_ told him that Dan wasn’t completely alcohol-free either. 

His screen flashed again.  
“This is not your concern”. Than shortly came another one. “I’m really sorry, but you need to understand”.  


Max swallowed hard. It was all his fault. Now he was definitely started to feel nauseous.  
He almost didn't notice the new messages first, but it didn't matter because Dan's comforting words he needed so much seemed to be no use now anyway.  


“Don’t worry mate, everything will be OK.”

“I promise.”


End file.
